You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
