So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm too high and old for this...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
