Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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