my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
