I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Randomize
