my sisters under your porch take her home
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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