I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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