textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
