She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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