the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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