I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
