Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
