Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
