Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
