did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
