I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
