Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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