I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
