cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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