you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
