I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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