the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the day after is always just damage control
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
