Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
