I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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