you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
