I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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