I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
