Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
