Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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