my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
