We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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