Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
