I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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