I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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