She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
