Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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