Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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