She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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