I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
