It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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