This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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