You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
