He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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