I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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