I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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