every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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