I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
