a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
