But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize