Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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