What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
