My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize