Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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