party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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