my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
