I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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