woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
