nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We talked him into tasing himself.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
