I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
