Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
