I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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