There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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