The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
